I posted these updates, and soon heard from a new corporate employee. I mentioned my internet speed had just hit a new low, 1.11 down, moments before they called. The employee let out what I can only describe as an audible gasp. She wanted to look into some things and called me back. I now have two techs showing up this Saturday, one to install the box and one to troubleshoot my internet. This particular employee was quite jovial, and expressed actual concern over my issues. I hope this one stays on board with these issues.
July 15, 2013 (update)